Dear Lindsay Lohan

There's no audience on earth like a captive audience.

I will try to write a postcard to Lindsay Lohan every day while she's in jail. Oh, and I'm Greg Rutter.

Jul 28
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Wednesday, July 28th, 2010
Dear Lindsay Lohan,
I had a huge realization last night that the device we use to store the photos on our digital cameras is called a “memory card.” There’s no way they planned something like that, right? Like, a group of marketing guys couldn’t possibly be that clever and poetic about an everyday piece of technology, right? I mean everyone so casually says “the photos from the birthday party are on my memory card” as though its not a clever piece of writing and just hand over the 1/2” x 1/2” card with pictures of Justin or Beccy throwing up birthday cake.
-Greg Rutter

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Wednesday, July 28th, 2010

Dear Lindsay Lohan,

I had a huge realization last night that the device we use to store the photos on our digital cameras is called a “memory card.” There’s no way they planned something like that, right? Like, a group of marketing guys couldn’t possibly be that clever and poetic about an everyday piece of technology, right? I mean everyone so casually says “the photos from the birthday party are on my memory card” as though its not a clever piece of writing and just hand over the 1/2” x 1/2” card with pictures of Justin or Beccy throwing up birthday cake.

-Greg Rutter


Jul 27
Tuesday, July 27th, 2010
Dear Lindsay Lohan,
I recently read an article about art forgers and then later dreamed I was one. Only, in the dream everyone kept saying “that looks photoshopped” when they spotted it as a forgery. Is that an example of technology encroaching on the world of art? Or perhaps a metaphor for how our society rushes to keep up with increasingly sophisticated forms of art? Or maybe it’s just that my brain couldn’t think of the word “forged” because it was sleeping.
-Greg Rutter

Tuesday, July 27th, 2010

Dear Lindsay Lohan,

I recently read an article about art forgers and then later dreamed I was one. Only, in the dream everyone kept saying “that looks photoshopped” when they spotted it as a forgery. Is that an example of technology encroaching on the world of art? Or perhaps a metaphor for how our society rushes to keep up with increasingly sophisticated forms of art? Or maybe it’s just that my brain couldn’t think of the word “forged” because it was sleeping.

-Greg Rutter


Jul 26
Monday, July 26th, 2010
Dear Lindsay Lohan,
Can you imagine how profoundly different the human existence would be if we had six fingers per hand rather than five? Some might see it as a blessing, but not me. You’d constantly have an extra pinky getting in the way – as though one pinky always in the way wasn’t enough. Or when you brushed the hair from your lover’s eyes you’d have to remind yourself not to let that stray pinky go up their nose. What a hassle.
-Greg Rutter

Monday, July 26th, 2010

Dear Lindsay Lohan,

Can you imagine how profoundly different the human existence would be if we had six fingers per hand rather than five? Some might see it as a blessing, but not me. You’d constantly have an extra pinky getting in the way – as though one pinky always in the way wasn’t enough. Or when you brushed the hair from your lover’s eyes you’d have to remind yourself not to let that stray pinky go up their nose. What a hassle.

-Greg Rutter


Jul 25
Dear Lindsay Lohan – Sunday July 25th, 2010
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Dear Lindsay Lohan,
Woodworking is such a strange hobby. The entire leisure activity is predicated on work for one thing, but also that you have to believe in your heart that the wood wants to be a different shape. How strange to think that you’re doing the wood a favor by allowing it to finally take the form it has always wished. Just let the wood stay how it is, that’s always my belief.
-Greg Rutter

Dear Lindsay Lohan – Sunday July 25th, 2010

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Dear Lindsay Lohan,

Woodworking is such a strange hobby. The entire leisure activity is predicated on work for one thing, but also that you have to believe in your heart that the wood wants to be a different shape. How strange to think that you’re doing the wood a favor by allowing it to finally take the form it has always wished. Just let the wood stay how it is, that’s always my belief.

-Greg Rutter


Jul 24
Dear Lindsay Lohan – Saturday, July 24th, 2010
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Dear Lindsay Lohan,
Writing is rules. Whether it’s about word choice or sentence length or subject matter each writer has decided on rules they have agreed not to break. Me? My rules are too many. I won’t use the word “penultimate” because I think it sounds pretentious. I’ll just write “next to last” instead, and problem solved. But why is “pretentious” allowed but “penultimate” not? Because those are just the rules.
-Greg Rutter

Dear Lindsay Lohan – Saturday, July 24th, 2010

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Dear Lindsay Lohan,

Writing is rules. Whether it’s about word choice or sentence length or subject matter each writer has decided on rules they have agreed not to break. Me? My rules are too many. I won’t use the word “penultimate” because I think it sounds pretentious. I’ll just write “next to last” instead, and problem solved. But why is “pretentious” allowed but “penultimate” not? Because those are just the rules.

-Greg Rutter


Jul 23
Dear Lindsay Lohan – Friday, July 23rd, 2010
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Dear Lindsay Lohan,
To me it feels like cheating when someone orders mac & cheese at a restaurant. It’s simply too good to be considered a meal. It would be like ordering a breakfast that consists of just a plate of bacon without having to sit through the horror of the eggs or the endurance of home fries. Better yet it’s like ordering a paper cone filled with the cherry syrup meant to create a complete sno-cone. It’s just too much pleasure for one person to handle. An ecstasy no one should be able to enjoy.
-Greg Rutter

Dear Lindsay Lohan – Friday, July 23rd, 2010

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Dear Lindsay Lohan,

To me it feels like cheating when someone orders mac & cheese at a restaurant. It’s simply too good to be considered a meal. It would be like ordering a breakfast that consists of just a plate of bacon without having to sit through the horror of the eggs or the endurance of home fries. Better yet it’s like ordering a paper cone filled with the cherry syrup meant to create a complete sno-cone. It’s just too much pleasure for one person to handle. An ecstasy no one should be able to enjoy.

-Greg Rutter


Jul 22
Dear Lindsay Lohan – Thursday, July 22nd, 2010
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Dear Lindsay Lohan,
I had a discussion with my friends about whether neutered animals still feel the compulsion to mate. For example my cat, neutered, has never met another cat in his whole life. I would think that he must think he’s the last of his kind on earth but still searches for clues to find a surviving pocket somewhere out there. My assumption is that he must get lonely and has a hard time dealing with his own desire for love. Humans don’t even really understand it and we’re at least able to discuss it with others of our kind. Regardless, what a thought to imagine the profound sadness of our pets and the lives they lead. Oh, I just realized you now probably think my cat’s name is “Neutered”. It’s not.
-Greg Rutter

Dear Lindsay Lohan – Thursday, July 22nd, 2010

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Dear Lindsay Lohan,

I had a discussion with my friends about whether neutered animals still feel the compulsion to mate. For example my cat, neutered, has never met another cat in his whole life. I would think that he must think he’s the last of his kind on earth but still searches for clues to find a surviving pocket somewhere out there. My assumption is that he must get lonely and has a hard time dealing with his own desire for love. Humans don’t even really understand it and we’re at least able to discuss it with others of our kind. Regardless, what a thought to imagine the profound sadness of our pets and the lives they lead. Oh, I just realized you now probably think my cat’s name is “Neutered”. It’s not.

-Greg Rutter


Jul 21
Dear Lindsay Lohan - Wednesday July 21st, 2010
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Dear Lindsay Lohan,
If someone were to come to me for advice on the best way to make an apple pie I wouldn’t have the foggiest idea of where to begin. Do you have to make the crust first? Or boil out all the sugars from the apple slices? Or is it like most desserts where you start with a couple cups of brown sugar and see where they take you. Who knows? My point is this : I don’t have the faintest idea why anyone would come to me for advice on baking
-Greg Rutter

Dear Lindsay Lohan - Wednesday July 21st, 2010

(click to enlarge)

Dear Lindsay Lohan,

If someone were to come to me for advice on the best way to make an apple pie I wouldn’t have the foggiest idea of where to begin. Do you have to make the crust first? Or boil out all the sugars from the apple slices? Or is it like most desserts where you start with a couple cups of brown sugar and see where they take you. Who knows? My point is this : I don’t have the faintest idea why anyone would come to me for advice on baking

-Greg Rutter


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